Archive for the 'Loss' Category

Belated Farewell

Friday, February 20th, 2009

farewell-12The Biggest Regret

All my life, the most profound sadness for me is not having the opportunity to say proper goodbye.  I can’t believe it happened with my Dad.

I was riding in a high-speed (bullet) train in late January 2008 heading back to Beijing, China after spending six-days and nights in the hospital bed with my ailing/comatosed Dad. A swamp of sorrow engulfed me.

With everyone around me in a crowded train, I didn’t want to be seen tearful. Nonetheless, a recollection of my fondest memories about my Dad appeared in my mind’s eyes.

What Touched Me the Most

From how he worked so hard all his life to raise three children, to how he always meticulously prepared an elaborate meal. The best memory has to be the five-months when he and my mom spent with my family in the U.S. after my daughter was born. I kept the stack of post-it-notes he had assembled, religiously documenting a feeding schedule for my daughter. My eyes would well up with tears whenever I recalled how he was holding a big bowl of steamy soup full of goodies to help me recover from the child birth. In my mind, I refused to remember him as he was lying in the hospital bed in a coma with multiple tubes to prolong the last few breaths.

Goodbye via A Telepathic Murmur

Three days after I returned home in the U.S., I had an urge to call my Mom to see how my Dad was doing. It was 6 p.m. MST, January 22, Tuesday. My Mom abruptly stopped our conversation and told me that my Dad was passing away. I guess that my Dad  said good-bye through a telepathic message.

I didn’t go back to attend my Dad’s funeral due to various reasons. I had heard from my Mom and Sister that the funeral was beautifully done and all the friends and relatives were very pleased. I hope my Dad is in eternal peace and in a better place free of worries.

It has been a little over a year now since my Dad passed away, yet, I don’t think I’ve ever adequately dealt with or processed the profound sense of loss. Am I too afraid to touch that raw and unhealed “wound” or am I still in a complete denial?

The bigger question is how my Mom would continue with her life without my Dad after being married to him for over 50 years. Without the family anchor, whether it was emotional or physical, our family has to go through a “deconstruction” and “reconstruction” process.

This short post is my way of bidding  farewell to my Dad and to tell him how much I miss him.

Dad, you will always occupy the most inner recess in my heart.